ethereal

I have discovered that redundancy holds truth like none other.  There really is nothing compared to lying on the ground and taking a minute to stare at the stars, breathing in the fresh air. That minute inevitably turns into an hour and you don’t realize that you’re lying on the deck of your vacation home in Alabama next to a lakefront at 12:30 am. But that was me last night, and life really works in such a strange way. Halfway through senior year, stressed with impending college results and trying to make the most out of the last year as a kid, I finally found my moment of peace.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m so far gone or because underneath the thick layer of cynic the romantic in me managed to peek through, but I decided to sneak out to sit on the porch at midnight. My cousins were sound asleep, and the only adults who could have possibly found me were busy reminiscing about childhood freedoms in the heat of Indian summers, reconnecting over shared smiles in the house next door.

To be honest, it was strange having a moment where I wasn’t expecting to be found. These moments are truly rare in life, when you’re exceptionally alone but okay with it, in peace with yourself and the world for a brief second. The only companions I had were the lake breeze brushing through the marsh, enveloping me in its warmth, and the soft repetitive breaths of the lake as it settled into the night. The violet lights of the pool bounced off the roof tiles and gave the whole place a seemingly ethereal glow.

Ethereal. That’s the best word, to sum up that night. It was my Life of Pi moment, you know, the one where he’s finding an instance of happiness within the bioluminescence of the ocean, and feeling the vast untouchable magnificence of the world and his small place within it. Or at least that’s what I made of it, and I felt something similar that night. Lying down, my back pressed into the grainy wooden deck with nothing to see but the blue-black sky frosted with opalescent stars oddly was what I needed to put everything into perspective. It wasn’t just the usual “ego-slicing, “magically-knowing-your-place-in-the-world” feeling, but a “you’re-not-as-lost-as-you-feel”. I needed it. I needed to just pause and think about not thinking. Feel nothing but the breath in my bones and the steady, insistent vibration of my heart.

That one moment gave me the energy to accept that I wasn’t going the direction I wanted to and that I was and had been wrong about a lot of decisions in my life. As cheesy and pre-scripted as it sounds, it gave me the courage to move on, and to accept my life as it is. I finally realized what I really want and need, but could never accept, is change.

I don’t know if you can understand by just reading this, but if you’ve ever experienced anything similar in life you know, and appreciate the strength of small, ethereal, moments. The funny part is, I would never have thought I’d find that moment in such an arbitrary place like Alabama.

But I guess that’s life.

– M

♪ ♫ ♬

Music is such a strange thing. Something so intangible and multifarious has so much power over us. It’s like relinquishing your feelings to a ghost and saying “Here, do what you will with these” and then either getting hyped as hell or wrecked as f*ck . But beyond that, holy shit music is so magical. Think about it, the same words worn out time and time again, used in one form, with certain chords and a certain voice, gets a facelift with new chords and a new voice and BAM! it’s a whole new entity. On top of that, the same song can have such a range of effect on people, and even change the same person at different points in their life. That much power lies in a 3 minute collage of sounds.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being mind blown but the power of something so simple astounds me. That and also after going to Jon Bellions concert, my mind, my heart and my eardrums are blown too.

I respect artists who respect their art form. Just keeping it real and keeping their humanity in their music is something so rare these days, but personally I believe it makes such a big difference in the quality of their music too. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Cardi B, but when you get down to the real core of why you listen to music, it’s what it gives you when no one or nothing else can. It keeps you from feeling truly alone (I heard that from someone somewhere and it was too thought provoking to not include). I’m not a huge music fanatic, in the sense that I don’t know my technical terms nor do I spend my days trying to learn song covers, but I need music just as much as the next person to be able to grasp the things we find inexpressible. From a dancers perspective at least, I feel like music provides the definition to the “words” your body tries to express. I don’t know if that made any sense so I should probably end this before I start rambling or adding letters to places they don’t belong.

Anyways, I kind of just wanted to write something, so here’s the product of that urge and Jon Bellion’s concert.

work in progress

*I’ll save you time and tell you this is going to be long in advance. You’re welcome*

________________________________________

Happy. I can finally say that word without being afraid it’ll disappear before it even slips out between my lips.

I can say, that almost after forever and a half,  I am genuinely happy.

You know it’s weird in retrospect.  I started writing because it was the only thing I could use to escape from a life that drowned me on the daily, in self loathing and doubt.  On more than one account, I didn’t think I was cut out for this game called life, and thought that throwing in what cards I had left would make everyone else in my life happier. I truly bought into the idea that, at least, if I could stop being a problem in my loved one’s lives, I would have at done one thing right. I spent countless nights lying in the comfort of the corner of my dark closet, with my tear streaked face buried deep into the carpet, choking on words that wouldn’t come out. I kept wishing, praying, and hoping, that if I lay still enough, if I just stayed quite enough, that it would all be over. 

But I didn’t. Some irritatingly stubborn human part of me wouldn’t let the flame go out, and desperately fanned it alive with a tiny little sliver of hope. No matter how hard I wanted to let go, I couldn’t. Funny thing is, if you ask anyone who knows me, I don’t think they would have realized I was dealing with any of this (minus one special person – you know who you are and man I will never not appreciate you).

It’s taken a lot for me to come to the point where I can comfortably talk about this part of my life, but being able to face it helped me find myself again. The real version of me. The version that I had thought had vanished forever.

Fast forward and summer has arrived, and three months, eight states, and one season of WOD later, I’m still here, and as cheesy as this sounds, better than ever.

New people, new places, new memories and a new mindset on a final year has brought me today, and god, have I been oblivious to all the things I could’ve been smiling about before.

24 hours of being happy. 24 hours of little things falling so perfectly into place. 24 hours of unpacking hidden smiles. 24 hours of realizing who I do want in my life. 24 hours of raw, unfettered, appreciation.

Today, I remembered what it feels like to have your cheeks ache with pure laughter. What it feels like to have your heart beat to surprises. What the world sounds like at 11 pm, when the moonlit streets glimmer with busy gas-related chatter and strawberry colored tail lights. I remembered what it feels like to be content with life for just one moment.

I am a work in progress, and I know I still have a hell of a way to go. But I’ve found people who I know will make this journey exciting. People who make me feel less alone; people who make me appreciate myself and my work even when I’ve given up on both. These are the kinds of people in your life that you don’t notice, but are the true silver lining to your happiness.

I am a work in progress.

But I can finally say wholeheartedly, that I am a happy work in progress.

083117

solo

What would you do if you were alone at the airport, 4,500 miles away from home, in the middle of a wintery blizzard and had six hours to spare? Some people might say that they would FaceTime a friend, and others might try all the “gourmet” food the airport has to offer. Me? Lol. I got yelled at by a cranky old Indian lady, caught a snowy ride to my terminal, and camped out in a corner of a Starbucks praying that I blended in with the burnt orange seats and black-and-white photo plastered walls.

Winter break sped by as all free time usually does, leaving me with lots of interesting stories and what better place to write than a snowed-in airport filled with delayed flights and frantic people, and a chai tea latte with extra fluffy whipped cream sitting next to me waiting to warm me up (yes I am basic I have no regrets). The hospital I interned at during break gave me so much to write about but was also filled with so many ailing people whose physical situations might’ve been depressing but whose life experiences were anything but.  I met a guy who had travelled the world as an undercover agent for the government and at 81 recounted his love affairs with Spanish women and near-death experiences while getting botox injections in the forehead (I can’t even take a flu shot without crying)  while also getting the pleasure of alsbeing introduced to the mysterious case of the “bird-boy”, who suffered from a curious condition that caused his legs to become claw-like.

Aside from my trip, It’s also seriously therapeutic just sitting listening to music and watching strangers. You realize how many different kinds of lifestyles and people there are, and how much there is to think about when you take a step back to just breathe and observe. There are the kinds of people who sit next to you and spend half an hour online shopping versus those who rapidly input data for graphs and aggressively create presentations for a deadline next week. There are also those fascinating people, who somehow manage to look as if they’ve emerged from a fashion magazine and have such a purpose when they walk that there’s a separate line for them in security because even the TSA is scared to mess with such put-together people. Of course, there’s always the people, who make you feel better about yourself too – you know, the people with screaming kids or sleep deprived messes that even 10 cups of coffee can’t save. The airport is the biggest crossroad of confusion and order, diversity and unity, and unique stories being created or remembered in each and every moment.

– M

change: an act or process through which something becomes different

Change. We all need it, most of us despise it, and some of us – much to the chagrin of us normal, resolution breaking, individuals – embrace change for the better. I however, am a frequent flyer with the prior group, constantly denying that I need to change and leaving everything up to chance and hoping that things will turn themselves around. But we all know from every movie with a happy ending, that nothing ever gets fixed unless people push themselves and change, and after such a horrible, depressing and crushing year even the most stubborn people, like myself, eventually cave.

I’m not too familiar with the whole “New Years Resolutions” thing – I’ve never been a fan of long term goals made in a few minutes just because of a date change and peer pressure –  but at this point I’ll try whatever I can to make this year exponentially better to compensate for the last.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to that point in your life when you’ve literally reached your lowest, and I hope you don’t have to reach that point to learn, but if and when you do hopefully you come out twice as strong.

– M

It’s funny how things work out or don’t work out in life…. and when one thing doesn’t work out it just seems to set off a series of  unfortunate, trying, and sometimes even soul crushing events.

So no this post isn’t going to be a bunch of random comical thoughts or something well thought out, its going to be raw and true, and angry and passionate because I just can’t pretend like everything is okay with people in this world, when almost all of us are struggling just to come to terms with who we are and our own situations.

Recently a girl in my town committed suicide, and I haven’t been able to take my mind off of that story. Facebook was flooded with loving friends typing out their despair in losing a close friend or an acquaintance but strangely, besides the usual temporary sorrow suicide stories give people, this time I felt a strange anger build up inside me. All these people were talking about how “bright and caring she was” and how “she always helped everyone out during difficult times and could always be counted on”, then proceeded to say how they only wished they could’ve helped her. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL HER ALL THOSE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU WROTE ABOUT HER TO HER FACE WHEN SHE WAS STILL HERE???

Because maybe, just MAYBE, if you all, or even 2 of you had mentioned any of those things to her she wouldnt have ended up the way she unfortunately has. It frustrates me so much as someone who knows people who are actually going  through a rough time right now, that if people in this world took two seconds to slow down and tell the people in their lives how much they mean or even how much fun just being able to walk from class A to class B with them is, so many peoples days would be made and so many people would still be here. Why is it that always, ALWAYS we end up doing too little too late?

(っ˘ڡ˘ς) ٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و

I don’t really know what to start with but I kinda wanted to write something so this post is just gonna be some ramblings of a very much bored and overstressed human.

Oh yeah, speaking of humans I am part of that wonderfully special and forever under-appreciated group of individuals that are too awkward to help themselves. No we are not the normal awkward you may have in mind (tbh I don’t even know what someone would have in mind as “normal” awkward but I needed to write it that way to emphasize my awkwardness ok).

But like, I’m like Mr.Bean level awkward except that I don’t try to be, it just kinda happens. If only I could embrace my weird awkward self like Mr.Bean *sigh, I mean don’t get me wrong, it takes guts to proudly drive around in a lime green car and go on adventures with your teddy bear in public.

Instead I try to be “cool” and “normal”, and usually end up falling over someone, something, or myself ONTO someone, something or my best friend the floor ( I can’t stop falling for it 😉 ). Oh I also love it when I generally forget how to speak intelligible words whenever I’m in a group of friends or a decently attractive person (this somehow 10/10 always happens when there is a hot person in the vicinity!!) I also really love to bask in moments when spit or pieces of my lunch that decided to camp out between my braces just decide to fly out of my mouth when I’m speaking to people I’d rather not spit on.

Oh and I can’t forget to mention the highlight of my awkward existence, my talent for thinking of HUNDREDS (How I wish I was exaggerating) of BAD jokes. The worst part is that I somehow always try to start friendships with people by trying to seem witty, but like you know you need wit to be able to do that in the first place so… I usually just end up laughing at my own jokes and then dismissing myself from all future attempts of socially interacting with humans.

Yeah… I don’t know if this post had a purpose but does anything really have a purpose?

I mean pencils and like toothbrushes do.. but you get my point….

 

 

and if you didn’t it was my attempt at being witty and making the post sound deep but I think it just proves my awkwardness 🙂

“When I’m up with the sunrise, I want more than just blue skies”

The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we’re okay.

We’re not okay, and that in itself is beautiful, because imagine how boring life would be if every day was just okay – if every dawn till dusk, we just felt “Okay”. Wouldn’t you feel so unsatisfied?

I don’t know much about life, but in the short time that I’ve been around, it’s pretty clear that humans have this insatiable deep-rooted hunger to be more – more intelligent, more beautiful, more untroubled, more….more anything and everything. It’s what makes us human.

So what I’ve never understood is why everyone craves to be merely “okay”.

I mean, why would you want to be okay when you could be inexplicably, unnecessarily, unapologetically happy. Why wouldn’t you want to be intoxicated with joy and feel like a warm summer night accented with glittering pearls for stars, surrounded by people who light up your soul?

Why wouldn’t you want to feel like the speed of light? Beautifully, recklessly, magnificent.

The feeling of being lighter than air and giddy with laughter.. isn’t that better than being okay?

Feeling like you’re drowning in an emotional ocean shifting through the million hues of blue pain still can’t compare to being just “okay”?

Blinding yourself in a fiery red-orange haze of confusion and anger still doesn’t outshine the beige that comes with being “okay?

The deep-set lavender hues of feelings and small stomach-churning butterflies caused by that special someone still can’t compare to the mediocrity of the “okay” existence?

I perceive life as a messy paint palette and all the individual colors are our emotions. The palette begins untouched and clean, and no matter how hard we try to keep it that way, the colors always mix. They affect each other and always create something new, something unexpected, something more brilliant than before. Each experience we have is a single situation in our lives crossing with a current blend of emotions we hold in – little by little creating a stream of memories that become the history of us.

So what I’m really trying to say is that no one would choose the unappealing beige sitting at the corner of their palette to paint their canvas with, because after all, why would you, when you have a brilliant array of enthralling colors to choose from?

So why do we choose to be “okay”?

In a lifetime, those who settled for being “okay” will end up looking back and seeing everything in black and white, but those who choose to be more than “okay”, who crave with every fiber of their being to be more than just “okay” will get to reflect on a blindingly exquisite past.

The irony in “okay” is that we never were just “okay” to begin with, so how could we ever end up being just “okay”?

 

 

*Sidenote – being okay is lame when you can be AYEEok don’t kill me  *。⋆ฺ(*´◡`)

**I have also discovered that writing things at 3 am while listening to every coldplay song available really confuses a person, so if you managed to understand any of that and stuck around until the end then you are one beautiful creature  (*°∀°)

 

 

At the end of the day

DISCLAIMER – THIS IS ALL JUST PERSONAL OPINIONS OF MINE, I JUST WRITE WHAT I FEEL  (don’t hate me I’m smol and soft)

————————————————————————-

You know those moments in life when you just stop. Time slows down, the worries vanish, the pain numbs, the constant white noise of life dims, and all you’re left in is a pool of your own thoughts?

I received so much heartbreaking  news today, and most of it doesn’t even directly affect me, but it made me think, and well… you know what happens when people are left alone with their thoughts for too long. I was riding back home, staring at the little red lights of the cars in front of me sparkling away, as the sun faded slowly from an orange dusk to the familiar dark blue of night, and the only phrase repeating in my mind was ” At the end of the day…”.

Really, at the end of the day all the things we worry about become irrelevant. All the numbers that loom over us our entire lives are meaningless, all the drama and gossip becomes pointless, all the time spent trying to be better than someone else is a waste. At the end of day, I wish people could look back and be happy with all the small things in life. I’m definitely not the most grateful or caring person on the planet, in fact I’m pretty cold and definitely not an avid lover of internet videos of cute dogs but, it’s these moments like today that make me think about all the things we have to be smile about in life.

At the end of the day today, I got out of the car and spent a good twenty minutes just sitting on my patio looking at the colors in the sky swirl together as the moon slowly came out of hiding. It made me realize that if people sat outside and stared at the stars each night, we would all live very different lives. The vastness of the universe really does something to you that’s inexplainable… I don’t know how else to phrase it other than it makes your soul feel easy while setting your mind on fire.

At the end of the day, how is it that we, each one of us just a mere minuscule speck of life drifting along in a galaxy older than time itself in an infinite universe, believe that the problems we face every day individually are more important than anything else in the world?

At the end of the day, staring up into that indescribable blackness flecked with thousands of sparkling stars that we call the night sky, it humbles you. Seriously, no matter how famous, wealthy, intelligent or talented you are, being the best person you possibly could be and  being happy with YOURSELF is the biggest achievement any individual can achieve. It’s sad to think that we have human calculators and elementary high school grads, but, ’till this day,  finding someone who is content with themselves and life still proves to be the one of the rarest things on earth.

At the end of the day, be happy with who you are with every fiber in your body because at the end of the day isn’t that really all there is to life?

– M

Tomorrow

Tomorrow. The uncertain and inevitable. Uncertain because who knows what will happen five minutes from now; inevitable because tomorrow will come, whether we’re here or not. So isn’t it strange, how we spend almost every waking moment living for tomorrow? Honestly, think about it. We go to school to earn good grades to get a stable job for tomorrow. We work hours on end everyday so that we can retire comfortably for tomorrow. I don’t know about you, but when did life become about living after you retire? In perspective, life today has basically become a monotonous routine of going to school for 12 years, then college, then working until you die. Don’t get me wrong, that may be some people’s cup of bubble tea, but I’d rather live 40% for tomorrow and 60% for today, because for all I know the world could end tomorrow (for the what fifth time?) and I wouldn’t be able to say I got to live the life I wanted today, because I had been preoccupied cramming for a chemistry test for a tomorrow that never came.

In the eyes of a dreamer like myself, I believe our today’s should be spent partially making sure we can afford food and shelter in the future (tbh mainly food though), but mostly spent doing the things we love. Creating a dadaist piece, learning  Czechoslovakian, strumming a Hozier song, singing along to DNCE’s Cake by the Ocean, or dancing to Gangnam style for the ten billionth time (Hey, you do you fam), should be the things we do today. To me, I try and live by a rule that basically says, “In your free time, what could you do that a) isn’t illegal and b) would make the coolest story to tell as an old person?” But alas, I can’t adopt a sloth or go skydiving off of the Eiffel Tower yet and so have been forced into settling for the mediocrity of a student wishing for a tomorrow that hopefully will satisfy my imminent hunger to live life to its fullest.

So basically, I have managed to confuse myself probably as much as I’ve confused you with this post, but what my midnight caffeinated brain is trying to say is that stop pushing things off, if you can do it, do it today. Don’t try to recreate the dramatic life of the Kardashians for yourself, and end up having regrets over things that you could have done today just because you were too scared to. Take that leap off the cliff of fear and tell the person you like that they make your day. Talk to the next stranger about the weather. Send that text to that person whom you’re dying to become friends with. Eat that third donut without thinking. Go out with your friends and have so much fun that at the end of the night, your laughter is ceaseless and your smiles are forever frozen in the millions of selfies taken in those happiness-induced moments. At the end of the day even, if tomorrow never comes, at least you can say you have lived.

So live a little 🙂

P.S –  Late night Starbucks has scary side effects..aka this mess of a blog post